Im Aufbau

This is my first editorial, written for the first edition of this publication. The assignment was given to me by our esteemed Publisher, who probably didn't mean for me to use his exact phrase as the title for the piece. Come to think of it, our esteemed Publisher is the one who dubbed me Editor-in-Chief in the first place. That's probably because there were only the two of us at the time; I was the one who suggested doing the magazine in the first place; he had already taken dibs on being Publisher; and he's scared of me. He should be.

The purpose of Swine Flew is to provide a forum for unpublished writers who deserve to have their stuff published...somewhere...somehow...but haven't been able to get any "real" publications to accept their writings. The personnel involved are all writers who regularly entertain each other with original creative works, but who, through no fault of our own (we like to think) can't get anybody to pay us for any of it. We aren't getting paid for Swine Flew either, but our esteemed Publisher makes the material look so much nicer than it does when we type it ourselves that it brings a quiver to the lip and a tear to the eye when we behold our efforts packaged so beautifully for the very firts time.

What we lack in lucre, we make up for in pride.

So our purpose in a nutshell: to get ourselves into print. I'm going to send a copy of this to my mom so she can stick it up on the refrigerator with a magnet, like she used to do with my kindergarten artwork. It's been a long time, and I'm sure she misses that.

As for principles (ooh, I get to establish principles?), I can only think of two at the moment. Nah, let's make it three. Here they are:

1. We will try to avoid printing anything that could get us arrested.
2. Principle #1 doesn't mean that Swine Flew has to be in good taste all the time.
3. As long as I am editor-in-chief, humor about, and graphic descriptions of, evacuation of bodily waste is off limits. I don't like reading humor about, and graphic descriptions of, evacuation of bodily waste, so sue me. I'm in charge. No doubt our esteemed Publisher, when he sees this, will make a point of including some such literature in ths or the next edition just to defy me, and I won't know about it until it's too late. (Don't do it, son. Your two little boys are mighty young to lose their father so soon. Think of them, and stay your hand.)

Sex, religion, politics, UFOs, and general gore, however, are perfectly acceptable topics. And really, when you get right down to it, isn't that plenty?

And now: A Convincing Call For Submissions

Well, we'd like to provide a service to any interested would-be authors out there whose moms need something to put on the refrigerator door. Send in your best - we like it, we use it, sound good you bet hmm? But we won't pay you for it, and if you're worried about copyright protection you need to take care of that yourself before your send your material in, ok? We don't steal, ans we will print submissions under whatever name the sender asks us to use. However, with copies of the thing floating around who knows where being read by who knows whom, we can't guarantee that somebody else won't see your stuff in Swine Flew and steal it. (But it would be quite a compliment if they did, wouldn't it?) So submit at your own risk, with the knowledge that the rest of us are in the same boat

And God YES, you have to send a self-addressed stamped envelope if you want your submission back if we decide (horrors) not to print it. If we're going to be pen-pals then I'll use my stamps to write to you. Fair enough.

As an aside, allow me to mention how awfully swell it would be if we could get a cartoonist or two in on this.

Oh, and as editor-in-chief I reserve the right to edit. I have to earn this title somehow.

It won't always be this way, you know. Over time we'll gain a little cult following which will turn into a big cult following. Circulation will increase until the cost of distributing Swine Flew for free will become prohibitive. We'll have to start charging a fee for it and set up a subscription department. One day we may even have to pay the writers. Some of our contributers - probably all of them - will be discovered by big publishers who hear about us through the grapevine and decide to check it out for themselves. Our writers will be offered huge contracts and leave us for greener pastures, although many will continue to contribute to Swine Flew occasionally just for old times' sake. But those who leave will be replaced by new unpublished unknowns. And even though we'll one day be a big, glossy, intimidating magazine witha snobby attitude, found at better news stands all over the world, we'll always have the first coffee-ring-stained edition pinned with a magnet to the refrigerator door in our Executive Lounge.

Because that's the type of people we are.

Are you a writer? Do you have a piece ready to go, in the midst of being written, or as just a twinkle in your eye? Do you know someone who is a serious writer but has had trouble getting published? As Editor Sclaff's Convincing Call for Submissions pleads, WE'RE LOOKING FOR AUTHORS!

Are you a fan of good writing? Would you like to receive the latest edition of ? Would you like to join our mailing list?

If either of the above applies to you, then waste no more time and touch the piggy at the top of the page NOW!

• A story entitled Lunch by Rob Simpson will give you an idea of the kind of thing in our magazine.
  ...If you like what you read, join our mailing list & we'll send you the latest issue.
  

OK, here are our (obligatory) links:

First, the pertinent list:

• Remember Hamnet's copyright discussion? Well it turns out there really are no worries. Check out FAQ#6 in The University of Tennessee's OVERVIEW OF U.S. COPYRIGHT SYSTEM
• FACTSHEET FIVE
• In Vivo
• The Writers' Federation of Nova Scotia
• riot in your mind
• 

Now those reaking of impertinence:

• SyddWare's "Rubber Duckies on the Web"
• To Coin A Word - Sydd's Horktionary